I quiver as I read comments elsewhere on FB, questioning the value of a man’s moustache. I quiver because of a recurring nightmare I’ve had - of me, staring into a mirror, completely bare of all facial hair, bar that thin black furry waif that separates my forehead from my eyes. I just cannot fathom myself surviving even a day without my moustache. It has been a part of me for nearly four decades, even longer than family – my wife as you would have guessed, came much later. What started off as small, odd, black, shy sprouts here and there over my lips, got denser progressively, much like castaway parthenium weeds that found nooks and crannies to flourish, to eventually form a green carpet. I ignored those efforts probably for a couple of years, even as it made brave attempts to set up shop above my lip. And then one morning I noticed it. As I rubbed my bleary eyes in front of the bathroom mirror, I noticed that the thin, soft, black apology that had made the strip above my lip its home, had given way to a thick, charcoal black, bristly undergrowth, starting right below the nostril, and darting east & west before heading down south towards the edge of my lips - it was like a stream that was carving out a new path through shrubs and stones, as it gurgled its way into the arms of a larger river. In my case, my beard was shamefully shaggy and sporadic, unworthy of the youthful, courting moustache. Decorum (a modern word for parental pressure) demanded that I take the beard off, so off it went just when it started asserting itself. The moustache however stayed, alone and proud. And it has been a part of my persona ever since. And over the years, I found sufficient reasons to keep it exactly where it had made its home. And now, here are four very functional reasons why every male should sport a moustache.
1. It is a clearly understood dividing line between the nose and mouth – much like those snaking airport queue managers. If you were air, you would head north of this line to the nose. If you were liquid or solid, you would head south of this line to the mouth. Clean as a whistle.
2. It gives the face a break from the monotony of skin. For men, eyebrows are almost forgotten, and eyelashes are very functional. Between the eyes and body-parts-I-shall-not-mention, there are miles and miles of skin. The moustache gives a gentle break to the eyes as it purveys everything downwards from the head. It is like an oasis to a parched desert-traveler.
3. It provides a clumsy eater some cover – wayward morsels get trapped by the moustache. All the eater has to then do is either gently flick them off with a spare hand, or let the tongue do the job. Now, imagine what shape an eater would be in if he did not sport a moustache; he would look gross, with food stuck in that narrow east-west alleyway. His immediate response in repairing the damage would be to send the tongue darting upwards to get that truant morsel back into the mouth. But one flick seldom does the job, leaving more smudges and stains that a dhobi would on your prized evening wear. He would then scramble for a napkin to wipe that space clean of all debris. Too much work, and a waste of paper.
4. Your lungs stay clean. A moustache acts much like that filter inside an air-conditioner, trapping dirt, and filling your lungs with clean air. Every breathe you take is actually filtered by the moustache. Dirt, suspended particles, possibly even harmful bacteria are trapped amongst those bristles. What you get is nice, pure air meant for the Gods.
I could of course go on and on, but I guess this is good for starters. So to those moustache-free men – get going, start rearing your wool again.
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